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Stephen Colbert as Kelly Bensimon

Watch Bravo TV exec Andy Cohen duke it out, Real Housewives of New York style, with Stephen Colbert. The cage match starts at 4:00.

The Colbert ReportMon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Andy Cohen
Colbert Report Full Episodes2010 ElectionFox News

(via Go Fug Yourself)

Also, I just made a personal discovery. When one Googles Bethenny Frankel, this is what shows up in AutoComplete:

However, Googling Kelly Bensimon gets you this:

Now, I don't watch the Real Housewives (in any of its iterations), but I think a binary this severe paints a pretty clear picture of what I would get if I decided to turn my remote to this show one day.
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Kanye's Twitter

KANYE IS ON TWITTER. And it is just as "stuntastic" as your wildest dreams ever would have allowed. Although less than three days have passed since he started his Twitter, multiple golden drops of wisdom have already fallen from his magical keyboard.

Memorable quotes include:

man when you take BABYMAMAJETS there's no stuartist
Leonard Bernstein is the shit!!! Hit flute player is snapping write now!!! Are those Christmas bells?
I specifically ordered persian rugs with cherub imagery!!! What do I have to do to get a simple persian rug with cherub imagery uuuuugh

Yes, he did spell stewardess as "stuartist". And yes, he did indeed mix up the words "right" and "write". Therefore, IF YOU ARE NOT FOLLOWING HIM, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR. I understand that following him will only serve to further blast his overgrown ego into the stratosphere, but if that is the cost of reading ridiculous Twitter posts every hour of the day, I will accept it willingly.

(via Go Fug Yourself)

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Roadkill beer

Man, I thought this was a joke the first time I saw it, so I skipped over the post. And THEN I assumed that the animals were fake, so I didn't think it was that interesting. But then I realized that the post was real, and the animals were real.

Don't know what I'm talking about?

The Scottish brewery BrewDog has made a 55% ABV beer (ABV is Alcohol By Volume. To really understand the significance of this number, consider that most beer has an ABV of between 4-6%. Vodka has an ABV usually of around 40%. YEAH.) called "The End of History". 
A quote from their website:
This blond Belgian ale is infused with nettles from the Scottish Highlands and Fresh juniper berries. Only 12 bottles have been made and each comes with its own certificate and is presented in a stuffed stoat or grey squirrel. The striking packaging was created by a very talented taxidermist and all the animals used were road kill. This release is a limited run of 11 bottles, 7 stoats and 4 grey squirrels. Each ones comes with its own certificate of authenticity.

What striking package, you ask? BEHOLD:

(via BrewDog)

Unfortunately, they've sold out of this beer and, therefore, its packaging, so if you were planning to drop about $650 (for a stoat) to $900 (for the grey squirrel), it looks like you're going to have to find a willing seller on eBay.

(via The Daily What)
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Teddy bear invasion

Real, bloodthirsty bears have existed for centuries. Teddy bears have reportedly existed since the early 1900s. Teddy bear AT-AT's, however, have only recently emerged as society's latest menace (00:58). See below.

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Snoop Dogg

I don't think I can fully describe just how much I enjoy Snoop Dogg's buttery-smooth rapping voice. Now Snoop isn't exactly the youngest cat around the block, especially if you compare his fairly extensive career with newcomers like Lil' Wayne and The Cool Kids. However, unlike Lil' Wayne's headache-inducing croak of a voice, Snoop Dogg has always retained his silky smooth rap sound, regardless of his slightly creepy physical appearance (come on, he has a pimp cane and a full suit covered in cupcakes in the "California Gurls" video). I forget all about the often inane lyrics that haunt most popular rap when I listen to Snoop, even when it is his own lyrics which are inane.
But Katy Perry's new radio hit is not what this post is about. This post is about how Snoop Dogg recently tried to rent out the country of Liechtenstein. The WHOLE COUNTRY. All for his new music video. Unfortunately for him, he didn't give Liechtenstein enough of a heads-up, and the deal fell through, according to The Daily Mirror. However, a local property lease agent, which the Mirror would like you to believe was the counterparty to Snoop in this deal (I don't know if he is, but it isn't really spelled out in the article, and I'm inclined to doubt the Daily Mirror because it's a British tabloid), says that it would have been possible, if there had been more time.

So now you know. If you ever get boatloads of money and have no idea what to do with it, you can rent out AN ENTIRE EUROPEAN COUNTRY. ALL FOR YOURSELF.

(via The Daily Mirror)

And, in case you forgot where Liechtenstein actually was located:

(via Wikipedia)

It's in that small green circle. So small, in fact, that I actually can't see it on this map. It's in between Switzerland and Austria, so that's approximately where your video would be shot if you decided to rent out the country. If you like both those countries, then you're in luck.
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This is why I love Go Fug Yourself's Jessica and Heather. They love websites like this one: Europopped, one man's ultimate collection of the latest and greatest in European music media. Listen to "PiƱa Colada Boy"; you won't regret it.

And see the website Europopped for even more magic.

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Stuart Pearce

... also known as the assistant coach for England's 2010 World Cup run. I know World Cup fever has already died down for the most part, but Stuart Pearce is worth listening to, not because I find his interviews particularly interesting content-wise, but because he sounds like the GEICO Gecko.

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and... the Jonas Brothers are going to Somalia

Yes, this is a little messed up too. But, if the Jonas Brothers are smart, they could totally spin this as a goodwill gesture and go to Somalia to do volunteer work and have celebrity exposure for their benevolent works.

(By the way, did you notice that both Justin Bieber and the Jonas Brothers have the same initials? Weird. 4Chan must have something out for those JB's.)

(via Faxo.com)
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Justin Bieber's going to North Korea

Well, maybe not. But if he doesn't want to back down on his promise, he's going to have to!

Silly Justin Bieber held a contest for his fans to vote on which country he would go to next on his world tour, without putting restrictions on which countries could be chosen. The website 4Chan encouraged people to vote for North Korea as a prank, and got 659,141 votes in the end, putting North Korea ahead of the second place finisher Israel by more than 30,000 votes. How do we know the votes are probably not indicative of the North Koreans' love for JB? Well, if you add up the highly restricted (i.e. denied) internet access for most of the country's citizens with the restricted media output in the nation, it doesn't look like many people in North Korea were very likely to be able to log on every 20 minutes to vote for the 16-year-old pop star. Even if Kim Jong-Il is a fanatical Justin Bieber lover, I still don't think that he would have been able to scrounge up more than 500,000 votes on his own time.

This is a little insensitive, if you think about the situation of the people actually in North Korea. But you kind of have to admit, it's pretty funny.

(via CBS News)

(via Faxo.com)
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Zombie extravaganza

I have not one, but two zombie-related stories for you guys today. Even though it's not anywhere close to Halloween at this point.

(via Wikipedia)

The first is for those people that hate going to the gym, and can't manage to motivate themselves on the elliptical and/or the treadmill for the life of them; even though they have already told themselves that they need to get into the gym and lose those extra 5 pounds, their brain starts screaming "BOREDOM" at their poor legs and lungs and they stop within 5 minutes because they see that they only burn 10 calories per minute (which, by the way, is such a ripoff, evolutionarily speaking. Like, the average weight person only burns about 100 calories per 10 minutes at a steady jogging pace. IT TAKES 10 MINUTES TO BURN OFF A 100-CALORIE SNACK, which are supposed to be LOWER in calories than one's normal food. 10 minutes of agonizing sweatiness). Well, here's a motivation. ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE. If you live in Chicago, Excel Gymnastics Academy offers ZombieFit classes ("Fitness to Survive the Apocalypse"), which teach physical survival skills in the case of a zombie apocalypse - running, jumping over things, leaping from rooftop to rooftop (hypothetically speaking, of course, I don't think they actually make you leap across roofs in the class).

Of course, if you really think about it, zombies aren't exactly the fastest little munchkins around. They use dead bodies, meaning that their muscles are probably already in rigor mortis and can't really chase after you too effectively to begin with - running or jumping are probably a little too much for their stiff joints to handle. You could actually probably beat a zombie just by walking slowly in front of them and closing a door in their face when you got home. But all that is beside the point. See their website here.

The second zombie-related thing I found today was the Sacramento zombie walk. Sacramento has a ZOMBIE WALK, you guys. Or, rather, had. Judging from pictures here, I think the whole point was just to walk around dressed as zombies. They had a zombie happy hour, too, but I don't know what kinds of drinks "zombie happy hour" consists of. What do zombies drink? CAN they drink? Shouldn't their esophagi be too decayed to even consume liquor in the first place?

(via The Inquisitr and KCRA.com)
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Bastian Schweinsteiger

Best last name ever. Every time I hear the announcers say "SCHWEINSTEIGER" I am so impressed by the innate German-ness of this name. IT IS SO GERMAN SOUNDING. German sounding to the point that it sounds like a made-up "German" name, but it is FOR REAL.

Of course, he's also an awesome soccer player. But with an awesome last name like that, how could you not be?
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God Save the Queen

This post is much overdue, considering that I heard the tune for God Save the Queen on TV during the World Cup a good two weeks ago. The British should know this very well, but I don't know any Americans who are aware that the tune for "My Country 'Tis of Thee" (you know, "sweet land of Liberty, of thee I sing...") is actually stolen from the tune of the UK national anthem "God Save the Queen". I learned this when I heard a familiar tune on ESPN3 when I was looking away, and turned back to my screen in confusion, because I thought I had been watching the UK-Slovenia game, and not the US game. Never mind that "My Country 'Tis of Thee" isn't our country's national anthem; who remembers which song is our official national anthem anyways? I certainly don't; in fact, I'm trying to think of the tune right now and I can't. I don't think that makes me a bad American, I think that just means that they teach you so many patriotic songs in kindergarten that you can't keep them straight anymore. Like that song about "purple mountain majesties" (which I always thought strange because I never recalled ever seeing purple mountains in my life, but the mountains in the books where the lyrics were written were usually a purple which never existed in the natural world).

But yes! "My Country 'Tis of Thee" didn't originally have words about America. Instead, the words went like this:

God save our gracious Queen,  
Long live our noble Queen, 
God save the Queen:

Send her victorious,
Happy and glorious,
Long to reign over us,
God save the Queen.

See, if you try to sing it to the the of "My Country 'Tis of Thee" it fits perfectly. Funny how our first grade teachers taught us this song every day, but never mentioned that we stole it from the British.

And now, Queen Elizabeth II, in case you forgot who is on the direct receiving end of this British national anthem.

(via Wikipedia)